Look, can we just get one thing straight? When you're talking about amounts of something, you use "less" with stuff that can't be individually counted, and "fewer" with what can — less water, fewer leaks...less money, fewer dollars...less fun, fewer laughs. Got it?

And while we're on the subject of language, let me tell you that the way to make the opposite sex, or the same sex if that's your fancy, turn their heads is to use more interesting verbs. I swear, this technique is better than a Wonderbra, or that sleek black Lambourgini you can't afford. Those will work on some people, but do you really want to drive too fast with someone who just likes you for your car? And after you've lain that lingerie across the back of his sofa, what will you say next? Come here, baby is a little tame, not to mention overused. Slide your sweet self over here is better, or Slither into my arms, darling, so I can slather you with kisses. Trust me, it's the verbs.

Which brings me to the huge problem of "lay." I really don't know what happened to this poor verb, but it's taken more of a beating than any other. Maybe it's the old prayer: Now I lay me down to sleep. People got confused and shortened it to "Now I lay down" and the whole conjugation fell apart. It's LIE down. You only lay, in the present tense, when you're placing something - it's a synonym for "put." Now, bear with me. Here they are in a sentence: "Mom, I feel kind of funky, I'm going to lie down." Or, conversely, "Wyatt Earp, lay down your guns or I'll shoot you full of holes!" Try substituting "put" in those two sentences: "Mom, I'm going to put down" doesn't work at all — put down what? But "put down your guns" makes perfect sense.

Things get dicier, of course, when we add the past tense to this discussion, because the past tense for lie is lay, and the past tense for lay is lay, which totally confuses everyone. "I lay down last week, when I felt funky," and "I lay my guns down for you the last time you ambushed me, Doc!" Just remember it's past tense and use the "put" substitution again. It still works.

Who cares about this stuff? A whole bunch of us do — we hate, despise, regret, and deplore the bedraggled state of the English language. But I'm not perfect, either. I make a lot of mistakes, usually with split infinitives. It just depends on how your ear was trained. I wince when someone says "less chances," but I can't even think of an example to give you of how not to split an infinitive. Just do the best you can.

And remember, if you want to get laid by anyone with half a brain, lay your inhibitions to one side, lie down somewhere comfortable, and murmur your most exciting and lascivious verbs.